Today marks a turning point. I am starting this blog to sort out my thoughts; to have a place where I can be me and not have to censor myself or my thoughts. Sometimes life gets hard and complicated. It will be great to have a space where I can record my thoughts, my life. I've been saying for a long time how I need to get back to writing. I need to find my voice again. I have thoughts and opinions that I need to share. Being an introvert, perhaps blogging is a good way to start letting my voice be "heard". This blog will be about me. What I am feeling, what I am going through. It will be about my life with my husband and two cats. It will be about my opinions and experiences.
This month, we are purchasing a house! We are hoping to close at the end of this week, and hope to start moving in this weekend. What a relief that will be. Until then, my husband and I and our two cats are living with my parents. Not an ideal situation, but we have privacy and a roof over our heads. What more is there to ask for? The cats are happy and have adjusted well. If only they knew they still have one more move to go...
I just can't wait to have all this stress that comes with buying a house to be over. My husband works very long hours, so I have been the one to take care everything pertaining to the house. It's been pretty hard, but well worth it. I've learned a lot already - about the house, but also about myself. It has been a big booster in my confidence that I can handle things on my own.
That's definitely something that I struggle with. I have very little self-confidence. I used to. But then, somewhere along the line of life, something changed. A family falling-out. That dark day is still burned in my memory, never fully out of mind. A part of me stopped living that day. It's taken me two years to realize that. I don't know how to fix myself.
My husband encouraged me to start meditating with him in the mornings. It has helped me a lot, even if I'm not very good at it yet. Just sitting still for a half hour and realizing what thoughts actually run through your head is powerful. Realizing that a lot of what I think about is fear, guilt, anxiety, anger, sadness. How to get past these? How to conquer these negative feelings and thoughts and to move forward in life?
I've let fear rule my life for so long. For too long. Here is a current example.
In mid-July I got a call from a nearby community college looking for an History instructor for the Fall semester, which started in 6 weeks. I went in for an interview, and left with a basic offer and a chance at a second interview. Weeks went by and I was unable to set up a second interview with the department head. I had given up hope; assumed they went in another direction, and stopped preparing for the classes I was to teach. I let my fear get the best of me. I stopped pursuing the job out of fear and anxiety. Last week I finally heard back from the department head who said I didn't need to come in for a second interview and that the job was mine. By that time, I had psyched myself out too much. I hadn't prepared for the classes, and was too far behind to be able to feel prepared enough to teach these classes for the first time (with no teaching experience, ever). I declined the job, rationalizing to myself that it was too much work, we were/are in the processing of moving, we are buying a house, etc. It's easy to make excuses. I was just feeling so overwhelmed. Like I mentioned earlier, I've been the one to take on the responsibilities of purchasing the house: meeting with multiple loan officers, meetings with Realtors, going to the house inspections, the well and septic inspections, etc. It's a lot for one person to take on. On top of that, I was just promoted to assistant manager at my current job, and made full time. (See? More excuses. I told you I'm good with that). It was just too much.
And now? I'm full of regret. Did I just throw away a great opportunity? What if something like that never comes around again? What if I "black-listed" myself? Why did I let fear rule my life? What if I'm stuck at my current job forever? (A job that I've been working at for 10 years already, and I'm in my mid-twenties.) What have a done?
As if regret wasn't enough, add guilt on top of that. I feel liked I've let so many people down. I've let myself down. I've let my husband down. Why did I do this? Why did I just not take the job and try? I'm so disappointed in myself. Enough is enough. Jonathan Larson penned the lyric "Forget regret, or life is yours to miss." I'm trying hard to remember that right now in my life. I'm trying to move forward and not look back.
But how?
